The more I dance – the worse I get…

I seem to go against many rules of nature in many ways, so this one may be yet another one of the cases: the more I dance, the worse it gets.

Some of my dear dancing ‘fans’ may humbly disagree, but I would humbly disagree right back with them if they dare to insist that I am wrong: guys, I love you all but you’re mistaken. And save your typing powers on trying to convince me otherwise – you’ve no idea…

Fine, maybe I’m a bit easier to lead at times that some others (apparently); or maybe I do some funny tricks on the go (none of which I can ever consciously repeat again even at gun point… so there goes all their worth…); or maybe it’s relatively easy to dip, drop and bend me (well, so is a rug that one uses to wipe the floor with) – but none of that makes up for what I have been missing all those years: actual proper training.

I watch other people on the dace floor and boom! – there it is clear as the full moon on a cloudless sky: technique and the beauty of it – the two exact aspects I actually get worse in over time. It’s so evident, so simple, and so much beyond me… It is the direction of the foot when it touches the floor… It is the way the knees are bent – or not – how much, and which direction they point to… It is the posture, the shifting of the weight, the stretching of the leg… It is the way the thighs stay close at the step… It is the length of the step, too… The arch of the spine… It is the movement of the hands, the way the fingers are held, the focus of the eyes, the tilt of the head… It is the million small technical things that together combine into something mesmerizing to watch, and none of my passion can ever make up for my lack of any of them…

I am caught between the worlds in too many ways… And it has a long history… Between the troubles with time and money that probably most students are familiar with, I tried to get as much as I could from any my dance-related investment. If that meant skipping a few course levels because, unfortunately, I pick up the general patterns fast enough – then this was what I did. Even if I would have gone to all courses though, there is very little technique actually taught – people want their twists and turns and their ‘fun’ and the fake sense of ‘advancing’ in the dance instead… They pay to get just this and they have every right to get what they are paying for… Private classes were out of question though because 3-4 would cost me as much as a whole half-year group course…

Now, however, here I am paying the dear price for trying to keep it cheap: I make a mistake after a mistake after a mistake in the simplest things I had never had a chance to actually properly learn. And all those details I mentioned before? Don’t even get me started! What details?! I am all over the place trying to make-belief I actually know what I am doing and too busy performing the deception to correct for those stupid knees (that just won’t for the love of anything dear to me ever look the way they should – because I don’t actually know how to achieve the proper step technique that won’t make me look like a Harlequin marionette dangling on the strings), the perpetually off positions I end up in (those same ones that should in theory be so easy – if I ever knew how to do them to start with), and all of the other grace-defying little perks stemming from the uncertainty and the lack of knowledge and training of the details…

The sad part is, this illusion that I can maybe dance a tiny bit better now than, say, a year ago, is just what it is: an illusion. And it keeps me going ‘ahead’ when I really should go back to the first grade of it all. Unfortunately, instead I just keep building on the crooked foundation, so I get the respective results. Then I see someone whose every step and move is so perfect it could be framed into a picture and hung in a gallery – a proper place for the true art – and I realize what a silly, unskilled enthusiast I am to ever have assumed I could actually dance, when all I’m truly good at is mere hopping around to the right rhythm and covering up quickly enough for everything that I do completely wrong…

I’m a con artist – not a dancer: I pretend I can do something I have no clue about. So dear everyone I ever dared ‘dance’ with – please forgive me for such deception and dishonesty. I was so into it I even fooled myself into believing I can do something that is so clearly way out of my league… I’ve ignored all the clues on my way and focused on the kind remarks on my behalf like a narcissist focuses on any praise, however undeserved. I’m really, really sorry. I should go back to my corner and watch the true masters of the craft all over again for all the small things I should have watched them for to start with, and never dare step onto the dance floor until I have had my homework properly done first.